Twelve Years Ago Today I Lost the Best Father I Could Hope For

Twelve years and I still can forget he’s gone. I can still reach for the phone…and then remember.

I miss him so much.

He hasn’t faded really. I can still hear his voice. That funny way he would grunt. His stories. His made up words.

I look at the steps on my front porch that he made and the gorgeous coatrack as well. I think of a lifetime of things he built for me. Especially when I was a kid. The club house and all the stuff that went in it. The huge sandbox and the flying saucer on wheels what actually had a plexiglass top. The giant train set in the basement.

And there was the years of Indian Guides and camping and horsing around.

And how well he dealt with my coming out.

“I’ve always know,” he said.
“How?” I asked.
“The way you use your hands when you talk.”
WTF? “What does that have anything to do with it?” I cried while gesturing with flailing hands.

I laugh at that now!

I do have some regrets. I don’t let them rule me but I do have them. He was a quite private man. There is so damned much I don’t know about him and Mom doesn’t know and now there is no way for me to know. From the simple, what his word “hansclobber” really meant and did he make it up or did he pick it up in his thirty-six years of being in the Marines and a good deal of that spent all over the world. To more important thing. Who was he really? I will never know.

If your father is still alive, please don’t wait. Ask all those questions! Especially the ones that no one else can answer!

Dad, thank you for being my Dad. I miss you more than words will ever ever be able to express.

I love you!
Your son,


My Dad when he retired. This was some General Big Wig
that he highly respected. I don’t know who he is.

My Dad with his immediate family. He is in the light green.
The man over him is his brother and that is his brother’s wife
next to him. The little boy is his nephew (my cousin) and the
man with the girl in his lap is my Dad’s sister’s husband and
daughter. That makes the woman Dad’s sister!


13 thoughts on “Twelve Years Ago Today I Lost the Best Father I Could Hope For

  1. Man, he is so much different from my father, who, after having been divorced from my mother when I was about ten, drank himself to death (delirium tremons) a year later. I have fond memories of the TV repair business he had in the basement–what a miracle this was in the ’50s and early 60s. . . . nobody else had a color TV, and a bunch of friends came over to my house to watch The Wonderful World of Disney and Bonanza in color. He was apparently associated with the Flying Tigers in WWII, but I don’t really know how.

  2. Today is a special day for you, Ben. I lost my dad when I was quite young so had many questions left unanswered too. I will pray for them both today. Mahalo ! -Ed

  3. Today is a very special day for you, Ben. I lost my dad when I was quite young and had many questions left unanswered too. Today I will pray for both of our dads. Mahalo ! -Ed

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