I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright, bright
~~ Johnny Nash
I am sitting here at my favorite coffee shop and I and writing a scene that is killing me and I had to rest a bit and write this first before going on. It’s an emotional whopper of a scene.
But I am enjoying myself. In fact I’ve been enjoying life more and more lately. I think the shadow that had been over me for a good two years is finally passing. I see each day more and more with my old real genuine joy, and that’s a good thing. It’s gotten me to a point where I am ready to start doing something about my weight and I weigh now more than I ever have. I get winded getting out of my car and walking up the walkway to my front door. I have the potential to be a heart attack waiting to happen. I was saying, “I am a heart attack waiting to happen,” and I remembered The Secret—which I believe in with *all* that I am—and that what we think about, we bring about.
And darnit, this girl is not going to have (another) heart attack!
Instead I am constantly imagining myself surrounded in golden sunlight and that I am beautiful. That I have a body I don’t mind throwing off my clothes and walking into the water at Camp Gaea and not worrying at all what people think. No! They’re thinking, “Not bad for a 57-year-old!”
My joy is returning. It was just a fingernail’s scratching distance away for a good while now. Please know that I am not saying I wasn’t happy. I am. But my buoyant joy had slipped away….
My new supervisor has helped. She is a mindbogglingly positive influence and teaching me at last to counter the thrusts and parries of the Evil Team Leader. I am taking back my power! Because you see I also believe—completely and totally—that there are lessons on this earth we are supposed to learn. And if we don’t learn them, the Universe will keep throwing different things in front of us until we do learn that lesson. I just didn’t know what it was I was supposed to learn!
This team leader? He’s not the first. I have had other mean and mean spirited people who have had “power” over me before. Especially places that I’ve worked. Maybe you have too? In fact I think it’s likely. Usually they are a person that all they have is their job. They’re a dark and sullen and empty person and they’re miserable and by God, if they are miserable, why shouldn’t you be as well? So they do all they can to make you unhappy and miserable as well.
And I believe that if I don’t learn whatever lesson I am supposed to learn with him, that “he” will pop up in my life in one human form or another until I get it! So I can move on to the next lesson the Universe has for me so that I can grow into the potential of who I am supposed to have!
And then I had some kind of Epiphany a few weeks ago that has only grown.
It is something I already knew. But I had to know it.
I really was—as much as I am loathe to admit it—letting the ETL have the power. But now? Now I am taking my power back! And he hates it! It is driving him into pacing, teeth gnashing fury.
Which only gives me more of my power back.
Two of his ex’s have told me that he is obsessed with me. they would be at home and he would be pacing complaining and going on and on about me. And they would say, “Honey. We’re at home! Let’s have a glass of wine. Let’s lower the lights. Watch a movie. Cuddle.”
And he couldn’t. Bosses and co-workers as well say he is obsessed with me and no one knows why. I don’t.
I. Don’t. Care.
Every morning I smile at him and say, “Good morning! How are you this morning?” and I smile! I ask him how his evening went or his weekend. I say, “It’s going to be a good day!”
If he greets me with a nasty comment before I can do it, like, “Ben! You are supposed to be on the production floor *at* six and not four after six!” then I say, “You are absolutely right, Sir! And I am so sorry! I will do my best to be right here before six tomorrow morning.”
He stands there, mouth working like a fish’s out of water, and what can he say?
When he starts one of his ridiculous diatribes or spins one of his tales that no one who believes ever happened—he was in the army and he was an sniper and once had to kill a little boy because the boy had a gun and he doesn’t know how he will ever get to a point where he doesn’t think about what it was his duty to do, or, he was once a stripper and made lots of money, or, he has f*cked thirty some women who work where we do, or, he went to Australia, or, the Doom’s Day Clock is now set at five minutes (whatever that means) and that North Korea is going to hit us with a pulse bomb, or, that Machete is one of the best movies ever made, or, The Rock is a much better actor than Meryl Streep ever will be….
When that happens, instead of me rising up and telling him, in so many words, that he is an idiot and doesn’t know his elbow from his a**hole, instead I nod and say, “Really? Wow! That’s interesting.”
He doesn’t know what to do!
I have gotten through three of four weeks at work now without any serious trouble!
And the weight?
Three days on green smoothies again and while I haven’t had one today, I did come to Oddly Correct and *not* have a doughnut but a banana instead.
And my indulgence?
Today I had a eight dollar cup of coffee!
Apparently, it is a very rare bean had has been fermented, among other things, for eighty hours and something something something…it doesn’t really matter what. The point is that, OMG, it tastes like an eight dollar cup of coffee. More importantly and I am not thinking, “Well I can do it this once.”
Because what we conceive, we receive.
If I think that I can only do this once, then that is all I ever will do is have an eight dollar cup of coffee once.
And if I think instead about how delightful this drink is, how it is not one slight bit bitter, that is smooth and delightful and Ben Thomas deserves eight dollar cups of coffee and sit here in my beautiful body drinking it, because I can do this whenever I want?
Then it will happen.
Life changes on a dime and I am wresting control of it again and I am knowing joy!
I’ve written a little under sixty thousand words in five weeks! The story is hot and sexy and gorgeous and sweet and filled with dawning love and understanding.
And I am LOVING writing it! Not killing myself doing so like Winter Heart.
I am loving writing again!
Which will certainly come across in the story when people pick it up and read it!
I am learning to be my own Master again and leaping leaping leaping!
Want to jump with me?