CHRISTMAS SHOES: WINNER OF THE WORST HOLIDAY SONG IN HUMAN HISTORY

A quick note from Wikipedia FOLLOWED by the story of how it came to be….

“The Christmas Shoes” is a Christmas-themed song by the Christian vocal group NewSong. The song was released through Benson Records as a bonus track on their 2000 album Sheltering Tree. It reached No. 31 on the BillboardHot Country Songs chart. “The Christmas Shoes” spent one week at No. 1 on the Adult Contemporary chart and No. 42 on the Hot 100 chart.

I found many many websites the revile this song. At TODAY for instance, Jennifer Rutherford, a California collector of terrible holiday songs says, “(The) audience (for ‘Christmas Shoes’) is intended to actually like it and find it touching. However, in most people it provokes a divine rage, gasps of horror, and a brilliant rant by Patton Oswalt. Bad tacky is like finding syrupy angel statues in a country store. You’re supposed to find it cute and enjoyable, but all you feel is nausea.” And at the site JEZEBEL, after weeks worth of toiling and thousands of votes, Christmas Shoes was the “audio blight [that] deserves the title of Worst Christmas Song of All Time! “This song is a zit on the nape of Christmas’s neck.” E! News published an essay called “5 Reasons “Christmas Shoes” Is the Worst Song Ever Written.”

AND NOW THE STORY OF HOW IT CAME TO BE. The names have been changed to protect the guilty (and to help keep me from getting sued):

One morning while three DJs were deciding what to do about the coming holiday….

“K.C.” Merrin:  Okay guys, I’ve got an idea….

Blair Pazuzu:  I hope so! I’m stumped.

Peter Hellstrom:  What is it, KC?

KC:  I think we should write a Christmas song…

Blair:  We’ve written Christmas songs before.

Peter:  Yeah, what’s so new about that?

KC:  I think we should write one guaranteed to be remembered forever. That people will love! Not just locally, but the world over.

Blair:  Well, that’s easier said than done, KC.

Peter:  Yeah, how are we going to do that?

KC:  (chuckles evilly)  Because we are going to pull out ALL the stops. We are going to take every single cliché idea in the books and include it in the song. Tropes that will pull the heart strings of every under-educated redneck schlupp out there!

Blair:  Oh, KC! That sounds sinful!

Peter:  I don’t get it….

KC:  Think about it. Corny. So corny you want to projectile vomit!

Peter:  Why would we want people to vomit?

Blair (laughing as evilly as KC did):  We don’t actually want them to puke, Peter.

KC:  Hell, no! They’ll be too busy crying. They’ll think the song is serious. In fact, you know how gullible people are. If we do it right, they’ll think the story in our song is real! They’ve done studies on this. Make the story stupid enough and people will believe anything. I mean they believed that Miami was going to build lanes with bumpers on the freeway so millennial drivers can text and drive!

Blair:  Gosh, yes! And they believed the creator of Pokemon Go designed the game to appeal to Satanists!

Peter:  He didn’t??

KC:  Of course not, you idiot! This only proves my idea will work!

Blair:  YES!

Peter:  But we aren’t going to write about Pokemon, are we?

KC:  No! We are just going to take the corniest ideas we can come up with and smash them all together. Something so d*mned absurd that people will think it’s real.

Blair  (laughing like the demon in The Exorcist): This will be brilliant. We’ll sell millions of copies!

Peter:  Sell? We can make money on this? Tell me more!

KC:  Okay…. Well the first thing we do is have a kid in the song. Think about it. People love that frigging stupid song, “All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth.”

Blair:  And “I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas.”

Peter  (grins dufusly):  I love “The Little Drummer Boy.”

KC  (rolls eyes):   Yeah. Great song!

Blair:  So what else?

KC:  Well we need a gimmick.

Peter:  Maybe he’s worried about Santa coming! He’s been a bad boy!

KC:  No. We want sappy. Something is wrong with the kid.

Peter:  Oh no! He’s not dying, is he? That would be so sad.

Blair:  Not the kid. Someone he loves. How about his dog? His dog is dying!

KC:  Oh no! Not a dog. It could be anything but the dog. People will crucify us if it’s the dog!

Peter:  Yeah. I hate it when the dog dies.

Blair:  Maybe one of his parents!

KC:  Yeah! Or maybe his dad is a soldier. People eat that s*hit up. All patriotic and stuff.

Peter  (looking very sad):  Or maybe his mama is sick. My mama almost died when I was a little kid….

KC:  Yeah! Brilliant! His mom is terminally ill!

Blair:  Yes! And the kid is really sad about it.

Peter:  So he’s singing about his mom being sick?

KC  (shaking head):  No. No, not the kid. The narrator meets the whiny little b*stard.  All cryin’ and s*it.

Peter:  Like the Little Match Girl?

Blair:  Yeah. Like that.

Peter:  And his dog is sick?

KC: No, you dumby. His MOM is sick. And the narrator meets him, and he’s crying and needs help.

Blair:  Doing what? Where do they meet?

KC  (looking thoughtful):  Hmmmm…. The store! He’s doing his Christmas shopping and the kid is trying to buy something for his sick mom.

Blair  (wide-eyed):  Oh no! That’s just evil!  (he starts to laugh)

Peter: Oh no! You mean like medicine?

Blair:  Yeah, Peter! Now you’re getting it. Medicine to save his mom!

KC  (shaking head):  No. She’s terminally ill. It’s gotta be something totally dumb ass. Something she could never ever ever use, but this little punk THINKS she needs it.

Peter:  And this is a Christmas song? Couldn’t this just be any song?

KC: By Gosh, the dummy is right. We need another trope.

Peter  (grinning foolishly):  Like the Little Drummer Boy!

KC  (eyes fly wide):  Jesus! That’s what we need! How can it be a frigging Christmas song if we don’t have Christ in it?

Peter  (really smiling now):  “Puttin’ the Christ back in Christmas!”

Blair!  Of course! The rednecks will EAT it up!

KC  (suddenly looking shocked. He has an idea. Just like the Grinch he has a wonderful, awful idea):  The kid knows his old lady is dying and that she is going to see Jesus and he wants her to have something to meet the Big Guy in. Something really stupid. SO stupid that people will just swallow it and not even stop to think about how frigging stupid it is!

Blair  (eyes so wide they look like they’re going to pop right out of his head):  Shoes!

KC  (looking at him like he’s a total and complete idiot):  Shoes? Why the hell would it be shoes?

Blair:  Well, that’s what it was for my wife’s drag queen brother! He paid like three hundred dollars for these ugly tacky shoes for his big Christmas show last year. It had glitter and sparkles and little fake lights on it and everything. He SAID they were his going to meet Jesus shoes!

KC:  My God! It’s almost too much.

Peter: But that’s what you wanted….

KC:  Yes! His mom has been real sick and she hasn’t been able do anything.

Peter  (getting it):  And she loves to dance and she hasn’t been able to because she’s so sick.  (suddenly looking really sad)  So the boy wants to get her some dancing shoes….

KC:  Some boogie shoes! So she can boogie with Jesus.

Blair:  KC! That’s just stupid! Who is going to believe this?

KC:  Like I said, you’d be shocked at what people will believe.

Peter  (whipping tears from his eyes):  I think it’s very sad.

KC:  See!

Peter:  Why do we want people to cry at Christmas?

Blair. ‘cause people LIKE to cry. Think of the fripping stupid song by George Jones. “He Stopped Loving Her Today.”

Peter:  Oh that IS a sad song….

Blair:  If people will believe that some idiot never gets over losing some bimbo after years and years and never moves on and keeps her love letters with every single “I love you,” underlined in red—you know he was some geek and the girl was the one who took his virginity after the prom—

Peter:  …I always thought maybe his wife had died or something…

Blair:  —then you know they can certainly believe a kid wants to buy his mom some boogie oogie woogie dancing shoes for Christmas!  (starts to laugh manically)

KC:  And the narrator is shopping and the stores are about to close and he needs to get the hell out of there because he forgot to gets something for the chick he’s seeing and he wants to get LAID for Christmas and this little idiot is ahead of him in line and he doesn’t have enough money to buy these hideous drag queen shoes!

Blair: We’re going to hell for this….

KC:  We’re going to make a million bucks. People will do cover songs of it.

Blair:  Write a Harlequin novelization.

Peter:  They’ll make a Hallmark movie out of it!

KC:  The guy is going to learn the true meaning of Christmas and give the kid the money he needs to buy the ugly things!

Blair:  You really think people will go for it?

KC  (really laughing now):  In fact we’re going to make sure of it.  (he pulls a book out with an upside down cross on the cover and opens it)  Now repeat after me….  Ave Satani! Ave Satani! Sanguis Bibimus! Corpus Edimus! Tolle Corpus Satani! Ave Satani…!

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