“‘Love your neighbor’” is not just a beautiful slogan, but a law of nature. To fulfill another person’s desire means to sense ourselves in balance with a harmonious infinite stream of the force of love, beyond this world’s limitations of time, space and motion.”
~~ Michael Laitman
I’ve known many kinds of love. To my surprise, knowing I was gay, I met a woman and found myself loving her, and we were together for six years. We had a beautiful daughter. I think what made it work as long as it did was that I believed that bodies don’t matter, that souls have no sex, and I fell in love with this soul which just happened to be in a female body.
But then I discovered that, for me, that souls are male and female as well. I believe that. My theory (and it can only be a theory) that that is exactly why we have trans people. Because they know what they are inside (their souls) are a different sex than their body. Now I am not trans, I am cis male, so I could be told I’m wrong, and that’s fine. I am always ready to learn.
But my point is that I found I needed to be loved by not only someone in a man’s body, I needed him (for me) to be cis male as well. And I found I needed to wake up next to a man in the morning, to be cared for and to care for a man, to grow old with a man. That if I were in a horrible accident and was paralyzed and could never have sex again, I would want to be with a man.
And so I fell in love with a man, and even though that love ended after ten years, that didn’t mean I wasted my time with him. That it was less important. I learned a lot in that relationship and he did have his good qualities. And I believe he made me a better man.
And hey, then I fell in love again, and I’ve been with that man for twenty years!
But then something happened I never dared hope for.
I fell in love again, and we became three. A family unlike any I had ever known, but had always wanted on some level since I first discovered romantic love. There are so many kinds of love and sexuality—that becomes clear as I grow older and more and more people are coming out in their own and unique ways.
For me I saw what I needed was to be more than two. I saw that just as people love more than one child, or more than one parent, or more than one friend, or more than one pet, I could love (and needed to) without constraint, more than one man, and that for me, I was the better for it.
I’ve had a lot of people say to me that they don’t understand how we do it, that loving one person is complicated or tricky enough. They say they’d be jealous and afraid that one of their spouses would run off with the other and they’d be alone (I will address this in a moment). That three would be impossible.
But I have found that while it comes with its own complications, in many ways three is easier. I mean, in finding the complications of having more than one child, has it ever stopped parents from having two, three, four, five and even more? Of course not! Why they wind up loving each and everyone of them (even if one of them is harder to love).
The reason, you see, is that love isn’t a pie. You don’t serve out portions and when done, there is no more. Love is without end and without depth. It cannot be exhausted, not if we don’t let it. Love comes from a place inside us that only some kind of Higher Power resides, and as the Universe is without end, so is Love without End.
Michael Laitman, PhD, said that, “If we are truly in love, then we are unable to place a boundary on our love and say that “I can only love you this much.” On the contrary, the more we give, the greater our need to bestow becomes. Otherwise, it is not considered as love. In other words, if love is limited to a certain boundary beyond which we will not exceed, if we feel that our love has boundaries, then it is not love.”
Now before I finish here with words about how much I love my husbands, my family, my den, I want to say something about the people who have said to me that they would be too jealous to have more than one partner. Let me say this clearly. Jealousy is the opposite of love. It is diametrically opposed to love, antithetical, contradictory, the exclusion of love. Love and jealousy cannot co-exist. Jealousy means insecurity. It means a person isn’t sure of the love of the other person. Jealousy is death and will be the end of any relationship. Love is Life, the water and sunlight that we all need to grow. Jealousy is fear.
And the fear that if a person has more than one lover that they will leave? That if they have an open-relationship, or a polyamorous relationship, that their lover could leave? Let me say that right now and without argument that having a closed or monogamous relationship is no shield or silver bullet or cross to keep a lover for leaving. Monogamy is not a cage that a partner is unable to escape. If a person is going to cheat, they are going to cheat. And it is quite possible that they’ll cheat because of ugly jealousy.
Now am I saying that non-monogamy is the only way? Absolutely not! Anyone must do love they way that love works for them and monogamy works for people without number! And two people should do what works for them!
And non-monogamy works for me. However, being in an “open-relationship” doesn’t really work for me either. And believe it or not, there is a difference. Dan Savage, relationship and sex columnist, created a word that I love. That word is monogamish. That is what I am.
My relationship with “R” and Noah have save my life. They have made me a better person. They’ve made me a better man. They’ve made me a better lover. They have made me a better love-er. With my husbands I have a family so close that I can imagine being with only one of them. We do not gang up on each other. We support each other. When one of us is being an ass, the other two can support each other. If one of us wants to “kill” another, then the other reminds us how much we all love each other. If one of us ever wants to do something drastic, we have plenty of love telling us not to.
A triangle is the strongest shape.
Years ago when I went to my first gay bar, I cannot express what it was like. I laughed. I cried. I was in a place where I was not the weird one. All those men…they were like me! It was everyone else who was weird. I was at home. I was with my people. My tribe. It was utterly and completely “right.” I was so happy.
And sitting here on the couch, finishing this, sitting next to my two husbands, I cannot express what it is like.
When I think about them, look at them, I laugh. I cry. I am in a place where I am not the weird one. I am at home in every way I can be. I am with my people. My tribe. It is utterly and completely “right.” And I was so happy.
It hits me again and again and again how right my life is. We will be sitting at home watching a movie, at a restaurant, grocery shopping, and I look at my men and it is so “right.” A sense of such well-being rises inside of me and I become giddy in knowing how “right” this is. I am revitalized. New energy has come to me and R—because, you know, twenty years? Any relationship starts to become routine. We are reminded how and why we fell in love.
This Valentine’s Day I am in love. So happily in love. And so very very blessed.