Still freaking out. But hey, I’m alive. When so many people aren’t. When so many of my friends aren’t. When so many gay men of my generation aren’t. I need to shout it from the mountain tops, “I’m alive!”
So tell me straight men, is age a big deal in the heterosexual community? Hey straight women out there, I know aging can be an issue for you all. As far as society is concerned that is. I hear women all the time say something to the effect of “A man gets older and he’s considered distinguished, but a woman gets old and she’s considered…old.”
Is that still true? I don’t know, I’m not a heterosexual anything.
But, boy oh boy, in the *gay* community! As I said a few days ago, aging in the gay community is difficult. It’s very weird. Especially when there’s not nearly as many of us as there should be for my generation. So many of us died because of AIDS, or complications due to AIDS. And young people still look at people even 10 years older than them and consider them ancient.
Why do I care what they think? I don’t know. I have two spouses that love me. Why do I care what some young stud thinks?
I guess it’s something to do with male ego. And sexuality. Just because I’m not going to jump on that hot college student doesn’t mean I don’t like to think I could. LOL!
I just don’t know how to explain it. I just want to let it all go… Who gives a crap what other people think about me? I never have before!
I know if I take care (better) of myself I could live for a long time. I have a lot I want to do. I have every ability to have an absolutely exceptional life.
And damn it, that’s what I’m going to do! I’m not some hobbling old man!! But on the other hand, if I don’t want to die, I have to accept the fact that one day … I *am* going to be hobbling old man, aren’t I? So I have to make peace with each phase of my life.
So yes, some little hottie is going to look at me and call me, “Sir” The kind of “Sir” that implies that I’m 900 years old. Oh well. At least I’m being called “Sir” and not something nasty, right?
You know another part of it just clicked! I realized something. Put something together. I think what it is, is the being left out. Let me explain…
I have worked so many places where I’m one of the only men. And a lot of times the women will all go out together for lunch. And they don’t want me to go. Because I’m a man. same thing as too after work stuff. They’ll go to a bar for drinkies. But they don’t want me going because I’m a man. They say they’re talkin’ “Girl stuff.” and the thing is, if the men are going someplace, they want to talk about titties, so they don’t really want the gay guy going. So I’m left out.
That’s what happens in the gay community. Unless you’re an old man with a lot of money, and the young man thinks, “Oh, Sugar Daddy!” then when they go out, they go out to play alone. They don’t want this old guy hanging out with him. And we may have been having a delightful time, laughing and joking, Queening it up, and in all kinds of fun, but when they leave oh, they want to go alone. And once more I’m left out.
That’s what it is, and also it’s happening during this coronavirus stay-at-home thing. As all of you know I’m a very social person. I like to go places, do things, see people, go to movies, go shopping for knick knacks, visit my friends, go out for drinkies, do all kinds of stuff. And now I can’t do anything! Nothing! I’m stuck at home! I can’t do any of those things. I can’t even go to the museum and meditative before Kansas City’s extraordinary Quan Yin. Nothing! 60th birthday parties are supposed to be huge! 100 people are more! Food! Laughter! Pinching bottoms! All kinds of stuff! I can’t do anything….
On the other hand there is all my extraordinary blessings…
Do you know my physical therapist dropped off a huge strawberry cheesecake on my door yesterday along with balloons and two T-shirts!? That’s pretty cool.
When I got up this morning at 6, I already had 56 birthday wishes on my Facebook page. At 6 in the morning! I mean wow. I’ve got so many now that my little phone just can’t cope with it and I’m going to have to wait until I get home to really look at them.
And I know that R and Noah has some pretty wonderful stuff planned. Including an Italian dinner from Bucadi Beppo (we can’t go to the restaurant, but the restaurant’s food come to us) and something pretty special that they have been secretly putting together in the last 4 days in our new gazebo in the backyard. I caught sight of hoses, a big orange electrical cord, something about a carpet, and not much more than that because I’ve got big tarps over it so I can’t see. I know it’s going to be a big deal. I have a feeling it is going to be something I really love. How nice to spend my birthday evening with two of the people I love most in the world.
So my friend Linnea can’t sweep in and her little convertible with the top down and take me someplace magical. My friend Cricket can’t do some of the neat things that she always does. My wonderful friend Belinda can’t do what she has promised …
there’s a bunch of things I “can’t” do.
But there are a lot of magickal things I can! Magick with a “K “.
So all this introspection? It’s a good thing. I’m thinking. I *can* think! I’m about to start another phase of my life. Figure out where I’m going from here. 60 can be like… Here there be dragons! But it also can be… Here are a whole new world of adventures that I could have never imagined when I was 16, 18, 21, 33…..
Who knows what’s next? I know this much. I plan on finding out!
Okay then! I’m 60! What exciting things can that mean? What things can I concur! How sexy can sixty be? distinguished older men are hot! It’s time to figure that out in this house! Now I can lean back and stroke my chin and be all hot right? Yeah I’m going to figure this 60 out! I’m going to tackle it! Bring it to its knees! Stand triumphant. Be a sexy hot old dude. And I’m going to write best-selling novels. I’m going to change the world! I’m going to do all kinds of shit!
You know why?
Because my name is Ben Thomas!
And I’m perfect just the way I am!